Tobi, Our Baby
by iNejiHina
Summary: Konan finds a 3-year-old Tobi running around in a corner. Now it's up to the rest of the Akatsuki members to take care of him; by acting as one big family. Auntie Sasori to the rescue! -Crack, Yaoi-
1. Holy Crud

**Authoress: Whimsicality Unleashed (Whimsy)**

**Story: Tobi, Our Baby**

**A/N: Ohohoho xD; This idea just popped into my head when I drew gangster Pein and saleslady Konan during English Class XP Oh, and the plot isn't mine. It's originally from a good friend of mine. Anyways, this might be OOC, but hey, it's crack. XP**

**Disclaimer: I want to own Tobi xD -shot-**

**Summary: Konan finds a 3-year-old Tobi running around in a corner. Now it's up to the rest of the Akatsuki members to take care of him; by acting as one big family. Auntie Sasori to the rescue! -Crack, Yaoi-**

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**Chapter 1: Holy Crud**

Deidara turned around. He looked left and right. Up, down, under Tobi's bed, his drawers, and his treasure chest filled with teddy bears. Deidara groaned and headed on to the sparring field.

"Hey guys! Have you seen Tobi, un?" Deidara asked as he approached the others. Itachi was sparring with Kisame, Hidan with Kakuzu, Zetsu with Sasori.

Sasori looked blankly at him. Hidan raised an eyebrow. Black Zetsu rolled his eye while White Zetsu sighed. Kisame looked sideways. Itachi looked the same old neutral him. Kakuzu's eyes shone.

"What if we hold a search and announce if soemone sees him, they have to give us ten million ryuus?" Kakuzu suggested. Sasori turned his head.

"Give "us" instead of give them?" he said with no expression at all. White Zetsu snickered.

"You are really evil when it comes to money..." he smirked. Black Zetsu smiled.

"How sinister of you! ...good job." his lips tugged an subtle smile. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"Oh, why bother on searching for that brat? We all know that we don't need him, since I am here." he replied confidently. Suddenly, Pein entered the scenario.

"Best you all follow me. I have something quite urgent to announce." he walked away, automatically signaling the others to do so. As they made their way to his office, Deidara drooped his right arm on Zetsu's shoulders.

"Now, what could that news be, un?" he asked. White Zetsu shrugged.

"And he never asked anything on Tobi's whereabouts at all." Black Zetsu scoffed.

"Bah, leave that brat. If Pein doesn't check up on someone, then he would be useless to us now." Kisame joined in.

"True, but Tobi's the one bringing us a little fun after once in a while, so we DO have to be concerned of him, even a little, ne?" Kisame grinned. Deidara nodded.

"Looks like we're here, un." he sighed. They proceeded in his office. Behind Pein's seat was Konan, her back facing them.

"What's with Konan?" Deidara whispered at Sasori. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"Nothing for me to care."

"Why is she here when we were sparring?" Itachi asked, a hint of annoyance evident in his tune. There they were training their asses off, and she just lounges here? Lucky she was with Pein. Itachi sighed.

"I've brought you all here today on some...intriguing news." Pein rested his arms on the desk.

"It seems Konan found something...interesting." Konan turned around. They gaped. Even Itachi and Sasori. In Konan's arms was a baby boy in an Akatsuki cloak. Only smaller. He wore a swirly orange mask and he had spiky hair.

"Mommy Mommy!" he grabbed the hem of Konan's cloak and nuzzled his face on her...chest. Sasori twitched, Itachi had a "WTF" face, Deidara was twitching uncontrollably, Kisame was snickering, White Zetsu blushed, Black Zetsu rolled his eye, Pein coughed, Kakuzu took pictures of it and planned to sell it with a _very_ high price, and Hidan's eyes sparkled with awe.

"Oh! What majestic sight to see! It is comparable to my beauty!" Hidan clasped his hands together, earning a hard smack at the back of his head by Itachi.

"It seems that Tobi became an infant." Pein spoke too late. Tobi squirmed.

"Mommy Mommy I wanna go to Daddy!" Konan blushed while settling Tobi down, dusting her hem after doing so. Tobi trotted to Pein and reached for him.

"Daddy Daddy! Tobi is a good boy! Daddy!" his hands went open and close, trying to reach Pein. Pein stiffened. Deidara approached Pein.

"You know we couldn't just abandon baby Tobi. We still need him, un." Deidara raised his eyebrow mischievously as he rested his right elbow on Pein's desk. Pein really wanted to punch the daylights out of Deidara, but since Tobi is currently stretching his cloak, he couldn't. For now.

"What about we pretend to be a family. For the sake of Tobi." Konan blurted. Everyone faced her. Tobi smiled and trotted to her.

"Mommy Mommy! So we're a big happy family now? Tobi wants a big happy family! Tobi will be a very good boy if we are a big family!" he said it so cutely that Deidara and Kisame wanted to melt. Kisame picked Tobi up.

"Say Uncle Kisame!" said he. Tobi blinked.

"Uncle Kisame." he followed. Kisame laughed.

"This boy is smart!" he announced.

"And he said it cutely, un!" Deidara nodded.

"Now say Uncle Deidara, un!"

"Uncle Deidara!" Tobi squirmed happily in Kisame's arms. Deidara gave Tobi a light noogie.

"Good Tobi!" he piped. Tobi squirmed again.

"Uwa! I want to go to Uncle Plant! Uncle Plant!" he ran to Zetsu and reached out for him.

"Uncle Plant! Uncle Plant! Unnnnnn!" he opened and closed his hands. As White Zetsu, was about to reach him, Black Zetsu smacked his hand off and grabbed Tobi by the back collar of his cloak.

"Strange. How could the brat turn into a more diminutive brat? And my name is Zetsu." Black Zetsu spat. White Zetsu grabbed Tobi with his other arm.

"Don't call him a brat, now! And you DO mean, OUR name!" He pulled. Black Zetsu pulled Tobi by the other arm.

"No! We shall devour him!"

"Don't do this!"

"I have no time for your silly whining!"

They were yanking Tobi back and forth. Tobi was being shaken like a ragged doll. Konan shook her head and took Tobi off them.

"It'd be better if you don't go near him. EVER." she glared. They both hushed into silence.

Silence filled the room.

"...so, should we be a big happy family?" Kisame spoke up after three minutes of silence. They looked at each other. Hidan, Zetsu (mostly White), and Kakuzu surrounded Konan.

"...ugh. Immature idiots." Itachi groaned. Sasori nodded.

"Really, it's just an infant. Why make a big fuss, and more importantly, why do we have to be a big family for him?" Sasori scoffed.

"Because Pein said so." Konan replied bravely, earning a gasp from Deidara. They looked at Pein. Pein looked at them furiously.

"I never said anything on--" Konan narrowed her glare, giving him the _'If-you-don't-want-to-have-all-your-piercings-be-roughly-ripped-from-your-skin-agree-on-what-I-said-biatch_' look. Pein sighed.

"A family we are...then." Pein rubbed his temples. Konan secretly smiled and took a look at Tobi. She DID used to love babies when she was still young.

"Now, we shall be uncles! But if everyone wants to be aunts, don't hesitate to speak up!" Kisame exclaimed. Deidara whistled slowly and elbowed Sasori on the ribs.

"Agh!" he growled.

"Auntie Sasori it is, Sasori!" Kisame pointed his finger up. Sasori wanted to abruptly oject, but he was rudely interrupted by Deidara.

"Yeah! So we're one big family then, un! One question!" he asked. They looked at him.

"...who cooks good here, un?" asked Deidara. Crickets chirped. Itachi smirked. He pointed at Kisame.

"Fishboy'll do it."

"WHAT?! OI! ITACHI-SAN!" Kisame screamed. Konan coughed.

"So Kisame will be our cook then." she nodded. Crickets chirped again.

"...so uh, what are we gonna do now, un?" Deidara asked. Suddenly they heard a loud, farting noise. A strange smell started to waft through the air.

"AW MAN WHO CAUGHT THE CHEESE, UN?!" Deidara made his way out. Konan politely tossed Tobi to Pein.

"Catch you later Pein." the rest of them left the room, leaving Pein in misery to take care of Tobi.

"Daddy, I made boom-boom!" Tobi said innocently, his index finger on the right corner of his lips.

Pein thought that this was the worst day of his life. And he didn't know that he was so wrong in so many ways. His (and the others') days were about to get even more hectic with baby Tobi around. Ah, yes, the joys of being an Akatsuki member. Not.

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**LOL I think I made them OOC. u.u**

**Tell me on what you think. I tried making them in-character. Hope I made it okay somehow! :D**

**-Whimsy**


	2. Pink Apron

**Author's Notables**: Okay, I deeply apologize for not updating for months. My internet was cut off from meh (for like, more than three stinking months DX) and I worked my butt on improving my grades to get it back. ;o; To make it up to you guys, I'm gonna double my updating time allotment. :)

If you spot spelling errors on Tobi's lines (yes, lines), then leave it. I did it on purpose.

**Warnings:** OOCness, Crack, Bad words overload (thank Sasori for that), Weasels…and yeah. Weasels. XD

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**Chapter Two:** Pink Apron

It has been two days since the Akatsuki members discovered Tobi as a baby.

Tobi did nothing but give them trouble; he peed everywhere that made Zetsu slip and give him a concussion, he kept on grabbing Itachi's hair and yanking it all around, he almost tore up the piercings off of Pein's nose and ears, he "accidentally" knocked off the water tank (which lead to a _very_ dehydrated Kisame), he kept on throwing Deidara's explosive clay at Sasori's puppets, and he stole Kakuzu's loot and tucked it on Hidan's pillow, resulting into a deadly wrestling match of the two. Konan had no trouble at all; in fact, she enjoyed the women's misery. Yes, women; because they were total gaytards when they took care of Tobi.

But she would get frustrated since Tobi would spill his milk on her, causing her to be flat and sloppy like mud. She didn't hover on that much though, since the guys' misery was her secret pleasure.

One day, Konan decided to do a little shopping to meet Tobi's (ass-whooping) wants and expectations, and she put Itachi on the job as the babysitter.

**TOBITOBITOBITOBITOBI**

"Itachi." Said Konan. Itachi twitched and turned around. His ponytail was all bushed up and his bangs were spread on his face. Konan had her hands behind her back.

"W-What?!" he tried not to sound angry or he'd receive a fatal paper cut of DOOOOM from Konan. Konan looked so serious her glare was killing him by the minute. A few seconds passed…

"What in the motherfreaking hell do you want?!" he uttered every word with emphasis. Konan glared at him longer.

"I want you to…" she glared even harder. Itachi glared as well. But really, he was melting under her gaze.

"…go on a mission? Leader-_sama_ only distributes that kind of order." Itachi smirked. Yep, he was confident. While it lasted.

"Why yes it's a mission; an S Mission to be exact. Pein is just too busy so he told me to give it to you. I want you to…" her hands were slowly releasing to the front.

Suddenly, Tobi popped out in front of Itachi. Konan held him behind the back all along. Konan had a smirk on her face.

"…I want you to take care of him." She finished. Itachi stared at Tobi. Tobi had his hands opened and closed at Itachi.

"Uncle Attachy!" Tobi squealed. Itachi twitched.

"…this is the S class Mission?!" he stared at Tobi. He stared dopily at the readers. Itachi drooled like the idiot he already was. Or…is.

"…abuh." Blue frown lines surrounded him. Wow. Misery. Konan must be really happy by now.

"ATTACHY ATTACHY! UNCLE ATTACHYYYYYYYYY!" Tobi wiggled himself down from Konan's clutches and ran around Itachi like a retard that his older self was.

"FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR HUNDRED NINETY-SIXTH TIME, IT'S ITACHI! I-T-A-C-H-I!" he flailed all around with a huge anger mark implanted on his (old) face.

"Hee hee! There's is anger mark stuck in your face, so you am Uncle ATTACHY!" Tobi laughed. Deidara and Sasori were secretly (spying) investigating.

"Attachy, un!" Deidara XD-ed. Yes, he "XD"-ed. Sasori remained on his blank "I-don't-give-a-fuck-on-everything-you-asstards-do" expression.

"Why are we 'investigating' again?" Sasori asked, clearly bored from the looks of his expression. Deidara smirked.

"I just wanna see Itachi getting pummeled by Tobi, un." Deidara nodded. Sasori rolled his eyes.

"I'm getting outta he—"

"If you don't watch with me, I'm gonna tell everybody that we did _it_ already and you made me wear only a tho—"

"AGH. If you insist!" Sasori hissed as he grabbed his hair; furious of Deidara's knowledge. If only his hormones didn't take over him during _that_ time. Stupid, stupid Sasori. Asshole. But we're not here to scold Sasori, right? So let's get back to miserable Itachi…

"…ugh. Do I have to do this unsuitable job? Deidara will suffice this kind of worthless labor. I am not adequate for this intolerable vocation. Good da—"

"Not so fast." Konan grabbed Itachi's collar. Konan started to mutter darkly…

"_Do it or I'll hang you by the head and let Deidara attach you with his explosive shit. Then I'll let you under Pein's Rinnengan and throw you off to Iwagakure for you to be mercilessly slaughtered by the bounty hunters then let that goofy Kyuubi whoop your ass until your intestines burst out from your filthy stomach and cut your whole body with my paper jutsus then throw you into the ocean where I will drag your useless excuse of a brother and burn you with his intolerable and n00by Fire Jutsus_—"

"ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO IT." Itachi's eyes were all swirly. Deidara laughed as he snapped a photo.

Konan glared. "Out. Deidara. Now." She took a piece of paper and threw it at Deidara.

_SLICE_!

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, un!" shrieked Deidara. Kakuzu came in, then Hidan; who was tucking back his cloak as he approached Deidara. Weird thing is, Kakuzu's headband protector was on the other way around. What happened…?

Okay, let's get back to Deidara.

"What happened?" Kakuzu asked. Hidan raised an eyebrow.

"Che…let's not hover onto that useless fool. Jashin-_sama_ would do the same."

"It's the endddddddddddddd, un!" Deidara shrieked and laid unconscious. Sasori, miraculously, was still there with his blank "I-don't-care" expression. Zetsu came in.

"DEIDARA NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" White Zetsu screamed. Black Zetsu slapped White Zetsu.

"Shut up."

White Zetsu retorted with a punch on Black Zetsu's cheek.

"YOU CARE ONLY FOR YOURSELF DAMMIT!"

Black Zetsu kicked White Zetsu's leg. Then they continued to fight. The others saw it and thought it was weird.

"…Zetsu fighting himself looks so weird. He looks like an idiot doing that to himself." Hidan said blankly.

"Ditto." Sasori stared on at the strange site.

"…ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, un!" Deidara woke up; screaming. Then he fainted like a goofball.

"IT BROKE, UN!" he screamed, sitting up like a crazy machine like his stupid excuse of an eye.

"What broke?" Kakuzu asked. Kisame entered the scene.

"I heard a girl scream."

"…that was Deidara. Anyways, what broke?" Kakuzu asked.

"Your leg?" Kisame asked.

"Your arm?" Sasori asked. He had a glint in his eyes. Turning his back, Deidara heard a "who's the better artist now…".

"IT'S WORSE, UN!" Deidara yelped.

"Your teeth?" Hidan asked. They stared at Hidan.

"What? Teeth are very important you know." He flashed a toothy grin. Suddenly, the tune of Colgate played in the background.

"…what was that?" Kisame said monotonously as he lazily pointed to the ceiling, not bothering to look at the ceiling.

Suddenly, Tobi skipped to Deidara.

"Uncle Deidara's hair! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Tobi ran around in circles holding bunches of Deidara's hair.

"Ohhhh…your hair. Condolence for that." Kisame patted Deidara.

"NOT THAT, UN! YOU FISHSTICK!" Deidara bellowed. Konan still continued to melt Itachi with her glare.

"Then what is it?!" Kakuzu said, annoyed. Deidara wept and showed them.

"MY NAIL! I BROKE THREE NAILS!" Deidara screeched. Deidara stood up, only to receive a bitch slap from Sasori.

"You're the auntie, not me. I'm the motherfreaking badass seme, you're the fucking little piece of worthless uke. Don't you remember it's SASODEI? SASO-DEI!" Sasori screamed.

"…dude…you guys…already…" White Zetsu said randomly. Then he fainted. Black Zetsu had to go down with him.

"Dammit. Fuck you, White Zetsu." He grumbled.

"That rhymed! Totally!" Kisame randomly cheered, holding up a hive five at Hidan, "hive five duuuuuuude!"

Hidan didn't move an inch. But he moved his head.

"LIEKOMFGWTFIWWYYASAMFNIWYTDSJDMWTJSROTFLLMAOWDOXFIEJWQW." That was all Hidan said. Or…thought.

"Nice going Sasori! Un!" Deidara threw a tantrum like a seven-year-old girl.

It suddenly went quiet.

"…dude, where's Leader-_sama_?" Kisame asked. They all shrugged. Konan smirked.

**PEINPEINPEINPEINPEIN**

Pein was tired, cleaning out Tobi's stinky room. It was full of sour milk, destroyed teddy bears, broken trains, little wheels, stinky diapers, messed up sheets, cotton-deprived pillows and the worst of all…

…Pein wore a pink frilly apron.

"…Konan. Dammit."

And the rest was history…for now.

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**Author's Notables:** -nods- yes. Itachi will be babysitting Tobi on the next chapter. Thanks for reading until here! (My humor sux -.-)

It'll be available in like…a week (It's usually available two weeks, so meh. XD). So tune in! :)

-**O**o**O**-**i**N**e**j**i**H**i**n**a**-**O**o**O**-


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